You and your love interest have agreed that you are both looking for the same thing and talk about commitment. Does that make them ‘the one’?
This depends on several factors. The first, and most important, is how long you have known this person. In my 16 years of working on Kasamba, I have spoken to hundreds of clients who have jumped in too fast, started a relationship with an attachment to a specific outcome, and found that three months in, everything has changed. They call me to ask when it will go back to how it was when they met this person.
When we meet someone new, we are trying to impress them. We present the very best version of ourselves. We highlight all that is good and seek to hide anything that isn’t.
Imagine an interview for your dream job. You dress to impress, you arrive promptly, you are attentive, polite, and respectful. Now imagine having to live in ‘interview mode’ for the rest of your life. It would be impossible! Being the best, most polished version of yourself is only possible in short bursts.
This is why it is extremely risky to set your heart on someone in the first few months. You may find that you are making plans and discussing a future with someone who is still in interview mode!
It takes time to relax and allow one another to see the real person behind the polished veneer. As this process takes place, you are both assessing one another.
While you may feel an enormous physical attraction, share a similar sense of humor, and feel a deep spiritual connection, the glue that really holds a relationship together is based on more mundane aspects of day to day life. You need to ask yourself, “Am I too attached to the outcome?” when it comes to making the relationship work.
Life can be challenging for all of us and a healthy relationship is not one that is free of problems, It is one that has two people who are able to communicate, resolve and keep moving forward in a positive direction. The only way you will know if your love interest is capable of this, is by taking your time and allowing things to unfold naturally.
Is My Relationship Meant To Be?
It may be your dream to find ‘the one’, but this does not mean that you should throw caution to the wind and dive in at the deep end.
Take your time.
Enjoy the journey.
Never ignore red flags.
Make sure that someone's actions are matching their words.
Remind yourself that you are giving one another a chance to explore potential, and that takes time.
How Do You Know When Is It Time To Commit?
Employers hold interviews and assess candidates in the hope that they will find the best person for the job. Most positions are offered on a probationary basis. A successful interview is only part of the process. The same thing applies to relationships.
While it is perfectly natural to seek a life partner, and hope that he is the one and that happiness is guaranteed, life rarely works that way. Movies, fairy tales, and story books have often suggested that there is one person in the world that we are ‘meant to be’ with, and that all we need to do is to find this person. Adopting this belief system can often lead to wasting time on someone who is never going to be who you want them to be.
If we look at this from a spiritual perspective, we are here to learn, grow, and evolve. We do this by having the free will to make our own choices. We learn important life lessons by living with the consequences of those choices. Even the most painful relationship experiences have something important to teach us. When the lesson is learned, you continue on your journey through life with a slightly altered approach. Perhaps you will be a little less trusting and a little more wary, and perhaps you needed to be, in order to make better choices going forward.
Every experience we have, be it good, bad or indifferent, will lead to growth. As we travel through life, we learn what works for us, what we enjoy, what we need, and what to avoid.
No matter what you do, or how you navigate the path through life, you are gaining wisdom. Every life experience, from blissful happiness to the depths of depression, has something to teach you. Protesting that things never go your way will not help you. Exploring your choices, and how they lead to where you currently find yourself, is how you learn from your mistakes and avoid repeating them.
When it comes to love and relationships, in order to make a successful match, what you want needs to align with what your love interest wants. Relationships need two people who both want the same thing, at the same time, and who are ready, willing, and able to commit to one another and build a shared future.
Some of the most common questions I am asked in my Kasamba chat room begin with ‘when’.
When will my ex come back?
When is he/she ready to commit?
When will this person stop cheating and be ready to spend more time at home?
Any question that begins with ‘when’ immediately suggests that the client is ready to place themselves in a virtual waiting room, or may already be in one. This is usually because the virtual waiting room is a place where we can pretend that things are not really as they seem. It allows us to avoid the harsh and painful reality and convince ourselves that all that is needed is time and patience. It could be that the virtual waiting room is a place where you hide for a short time while you process what is happening, but remaining in the virtual waiting room for weeks, months or even years, is a trap.
It is vitally important, for mental and emotional wellbeing, that you base your life choices on exactly what is happening right now. Your choices may seem few, and your options may not be what you wish they were, but they are there nonetheless. Your path to happiness begins with the first step and that step can only be taken when you leave the virtual waiting room.
Choices must have consequences. If the consequence of your partner leaving you, mistreating you or not matching words with actions, leads to nothing more than you patiently waiting for change, why would change be needed? Your self-imposed confinement gives them a great deal of security at your expense. While you struggle with the thought of losing them, they are comfortable in the knowledge that you are not going anywhere.
Remaining in a situation and waiting for change, sends a very powerful message that this situation is acceptable. Because if it wasn’t, why would you be there?
So who is ‘The One”?
The one you recently met?
The one who left you?
The one who fails to deliver on promises?
The one who abuses you?
Hopefully, it will be ‘the one’ that you have taken your time to get to know. The one who wants what you want. The one who has your back. The one who commits to you, your relationship and your family. The one who is stable, consistent, honest, and constant.
The incredible gift of FREE WILL means that YOU get to decide!