How to Survive the Silence

There is something to be said about experiencing the solitary confinement of silence in a relationship. A day can feel like weeks. A week can feel like years. Let’s not even get into what months feel like. Oh yes, it does happen.

If you are in a cycle of silence, you should pack and be ready for when the silence stops. And yes it does stop. The last thing you want to do is be upset, angry, waiting to wail him for making you wait, days, weeks, months. I have personally seen a lot of relationships sink never to be raised again because of a moment of weakness that couldn’t wait until after the first conversation. It’s one thing to get through this stage. But you want to get through it in one piece. Not damaged, hurt or especially resentful.

Be honest

No matter how it happens or under what circumstances, the feelings you will and have felt are like nothing else that you’ve experienced. They are so much as feelings as they are events that you have to endure. Great emotional storms where you feel alone, abandoned, hurt and ignored.

The most important thing that you can do right now is be honest with yourself about how you feel. Define the feelings. Don’t just let them have a party in your head. Write them down. They are feelings. Not conditions. Not opinions. FEELINGS.

I FEEL - ignored
I FEEL - hurt
I FEEL - angry

Are you clear about how you feel? Good. They are YOUR feelings. You should be honest with yourself about them. Not conflicted, ashamed or confused.

Stop the guessing

Depending on the situation, this could be a long or short haul. One thing you can always count on is your imagination taking over and driving you bonkers. Guaranteed, at some point, you will imagine something entirely different from what is actually happening. You may even run with it. You might even become convinced that based on what you know, have seen and heard, that this thing is the reason why he is staying away.

I’ve seen so many examples of that being wrong and a lot of needless worrying, anxiety and stress. Get the facts straight from someone who knows, talk to an advisor like myself who specializes in getting in someone’s head. Never, EVER rely on your imagination. Even if you were the best psychic, your own judgments would cloud your ability to see things. Get the straight goods.

Empathy is key

When you are in a cycle of silence, it’s very difficult to imagine anything positive about our partner. Walking a mile in their shoes is the LAST thing that you want to do. But unless you are willing to see things from their perspective, you will remain stuck in your own. And how you feel then only makes sense to you. If you are given some insights into their situation, it’s wise to try and see things from their view.



Not only will things make more sense to you, but also the suffering will stop. You will no longer be in agony. A lot of the time, it’s enough to see you through some of the darker nights.

Failing that, you run a serious risk of becoming emboldened by your ego. I have seen a lot of people create a shell of protection around them. Everything becomes about them, their feelings, their hurt, their needs and nothing else really matters. Empathy is impossible. Rage builds. Everyday they grow stronger in anger and weaker in love. Over time, bitterness can set in. That is the last place that you want to be in if you value this relationship.

Don’t fight TIME

If you are in it, stop trying to change it. Fight it, argue against it, call upon all of the good deeds that you’ve done in your life. It’s going to happen. The only question is how long. One thing I can tell you is that time is its own master.

He doesn’t like being told what to do. The more that you stare at him, the more that he stares back. He likes to do his work unimpeded. So give him a lot of clearance and stay out of his way.

Every time that you complain about time, he stops. It’s not time’s fault. It’s no one's fault. It simply IS.

Stop listening to your friends

I like friends. Friends are great. A good friend will always look out for you and what is best for you. A good friend will not suggest that you keep waiting on someone. Ever. So it may be best to avoid even bringing it up. No one can appreciate a cycle like this unless they’ve been through it and made it to the other side. It’s highly unlikely that they will understand.

Be ready for something positive

It’s too easy to stay focused on the worst case scenarios. To see and imagine that this will eventually all be in vain. Some of us even prepare for it in different ways.

What will help you through this cycle that you are in is actually imagining a positive outcome. All the time. Everyday. Without fail. Get in that happy place. You have to. The alternative is feeling hopeless all the time. Who has time for that? You don’t! A day spent in anguish and doubt is a day of life wasted. Don’t waste your life. Grow it. Enjoy it.

They are one aspect of your life that will eventually become what it needs to be. What about the rest? You can’t just live for that one person or hearing what they have to say. You cannot afford to put your life on hold. So don’t! Live your life, do what you have to do and don’t let this become the main objective of your life.

Being a woman is harder

I’m a man. I’ll admit it. A hundred times over. It’s so much harder for a woman. You get the vision about the relationship a lot sooner than your man did or will. You know what the relationship can be, is supposed to be and where you are both supposed to be. Sometimes, you get the message so much sooner than the man that it’s almost unfair how you have to continue pretending as they go on in ignorance about the truth of what your relationship means. You know it and I know it. Remember that when you want to ring his bell. When your thoughts turn murderous, remember that in the end, he’s still just a man. He’s gonna need a little more time to get it. But he will.

Work on being happy

Gym, yoga, pottery, mani-pedis, spa day, ski, learn a new skill. Whatever you do, find a way to harness your energy. Grow as a person, just as you did before they did their disappearing act. You’re either going to swim or sink at this point. When they do come back, what state of mind will you be in? What will you feel like? By feel, I mean about yourself!

You’ll get your chance to tell them how you feel, what it was like, what you experienced, every single thing. It will happen. You can and will get through this. Time moves on, no matter what mood you’re in. Be ready for that day. It’s going to come. Every cycle, even the silent ones have an end. Before long, you’ll hear the melodies playing again. You’ll feel his energy as clear as it came through on day one. The relationship that survives a cycle of silence is one that can survive anything. Stay focused on your goal.