It’s not what you expected when you started this relationship. It’s the worst case scenario that you’ve feared the most. Right in front of you, and you know that the only way is forward and away from this unhappy relationship
that once gave you so much love and hope.
We’ll cover what YOU need to do to get out of the mud, gain some traction and back on track.
Relationships are by their very nature difficult. People can be difficult too. Loving someone who is stuck in their own world, who can’t communicate effectively or who doesn’t have the energy or time to contend with the challenges of a relationship can often leave the other party feeling drained, unhappy and downright miserable. If you’re feeling this way, you know it’s time to end things.
I’ve often also suggested a time out or break when situations are taxing emotionally, while gathering enough energy to make a decision. In fact:
Cutting the energy cord between you is
THE best way to bring things back into focus.
Cutting the cord also often helps with perspective. If you are too focused on a subject, a person or situation, you can’t see everything else that is happening around you. You’ll miss out on key events that are just as if not MORE important than what you’re staring at.
I promise, I won’t tell you to get over it. But you do need to stop staring. No, seriously. How many times have you revisited those text messages? How many times did you open Facebook and look at his profile today? Don’t lie, you know it was more than four times! You’re going to experience a lot of conflicting emotions. Some of which are fighting tooth and nail for dominance over YOU.
First you need to be clear on what you are actually feeling. Identify them clearly. Examples are:
I am feeling anxious / unsure / emotionally disconnected /afraid / hurt / angry.
YOU are NOT feeling “angry because he did xyz,” “anxious because you don’t know when you’ll meet someone else like him,” or “unsure because of so and so.”
You get my drift?
Identify your feelings.
BUT, don’t relate them to an event or person.
Give them a name so they can be better managed.
Being clear about what you FEEL, expressing and identifying them will go a very long way towards helping you manage those emotions that are vying for dominance over your mind and heart.
You are in control. Not your feelings. Your feelings are a direct result of what you experienced. They are a REACTION. One that demands that you take ACTION.
They aren’t there to ruin your life, your day or your work week. You have a job, you have children, you have people that count on you. You count on you! It’s not time to give up. It’s time to find the will deep down and fight.
Cutting the cord is not a passive act. It’s not just a matter of walking away and thinking that you’re letting go of a relationship. It’s about reclaiming your energy and re-pointing yourself in the right direction again.
You need to be motivated, strong and ready for it. If you aren’t sure of this, you won’t be able to follow through.
There was a time that you were putting in a lot of energy into this. Where it took up most of your thinking and time. You’ve got to cover those times with, people, events, anything to keep you from having several hours at a time just to sit, sulk and wonder how you got to this point.
As hard as it sounds. You’ve got to keep going. You’ve got to fill in the silence and gaps.
I’m not going to suggest that you take up knitting. But I would suggest picking up something that you left behind for that relationship.
We all sacrifice something for someone that we love. What did you give up? No I’m not talking about the ex either! What hobby, what TV show, what routine did you stop doing because it got in the way of the relationship? Pick it back up.
And yes, if you feel like it’s petty, that’s ok too. Be petty about it! Who cares?
Moving on – how do you know when a relationship is over – for real?
There are a lot of great spiritual tools that you can use to help alleviate the pain that the connection is causing. I will list those I’ve found most effective.
- On the back of a picture, write the following: I release you, our hopes and our dreams. Light the picture in a fireproof container. When it’s out, let the ashes be carried away by the wind. (Please use precautions!)
- Inscribe your names on opposite sides of a BLACK stick candle. Lit. Let it burn. You’ll feel the connection weakening as it burns away. Dispose of what remains in a brown paper bag with some sea salt.
- Using a hand held mirror. Stare. Keep eye contact with yourself. Say the following. “I hereby from henceforth am no longer connected to ‘name’. I am free from him, I am free from pain, from his feelings, needs and desires. I AM who I AM.”
To get out of a bad relationship and a bad connection:
The mirror technique can used be used daily. The picture and candle techniques should only be done ONCE.
Because there is always tomorrow. Because it never rains forever. Because the darkest of nights has to give way to the bright shining sun. Everything has a time limit. Even your pain, even this situation that you are now going through. It has a time limit. It only FEELS like forever.
This too shall pass.
The initial phase really is the hardest.
It does and will get better from here.
Taking a step back is often the only thing to do when you know that there is nothing more that you can do, should do or will do.
1. Acknowledge your emotions.
2. Stand up for yourself!
3. And finally cut the ties spiritually.